Miscarriage as my sacred teacher
There’s no easy way to put it. Miscarriage sucks.
I miscarried when I was 9 weeks pregnant in early October, 2019. I went in for my first prenatal appointment and my OBGYN didn’t detect a heartbeat- what they call a missed miscarriage. I had no signs of miscarriage and needless to say I was beyond shocked and devastated. You have all the excitement in the world for the new life you’re creating, and suddenly it’s all gone.
Your hopes and dreams for the future of your family dissolve in a gut wrenching instant. What’s worse is no one seems to know what to say to a woman who’s miscarried. They try to be helpful by saying things like:
“It’ll all be ok.”
“At least you miscarried now and not later in your pregnancy.”
“You’re lucky you at least have one child(ren).”
A loss is a loss. It doesn’t matter how far along your pregnancy was or how many kids you do or don’t have. All women who’ve miscarried really want to hear from their friends and family is that the other person is there to listen and is there for them. That’s it. No advice and no need to make awkward comments to break the silence. Just be present and listen.
Spirit baby communication
For nearly a year prior to getting pregnant a second time, I noticed the presence of a spirit baby boy. Well actually, he is an old soul and appeared to be a teenager more than a baby. He seemed to be guiding me to make important decisions around my health and work. I decided to quit my position at a renown research lab in Barcelona where I had recently earned a grant to do pre doctoral research about the role the gut microbiota plays in colorectal cancer.
My gut instinct, which I’ve come to learn is very strong, was telling me that it was not good to be working with genotoxic chemicals like phenolic acid, chloroform and ethyl bromide. Moreover, my boss was unorganized, her specialty wasn’t colorectal cancer and she failed to create a proper lab training plan for me. A lot of her PhD students complained constantly about her ineptness as a doctorate director, so needless to say it wasn’t a positive working environment- something that I’m very sensitive to perceiving.
This spirit baby was telling me this job wasn’t where I needed to be and I started taking my prenatal vitamins to prepare my body to conceive again. Every once in a while I would receive communication from this spirit baby, which mostly consisted of sensing his presence near my energetic space and knowing that he was accompanying me in my everyday life.
After giving my body a few months to detox from any possible chemical exposure, I conceived within a few months of impatiently trying. I had diligently tracked my cycle using the Fertility Awareness Method, which I didn’t do when I got pregnant with my daughter. With my daughter, one day I just decided I wanted to have kids and that same month I got pregnant. While I appreciated learning more about my menstrual cycle and how to identify my fertile window, I found taking my basal body temperature to be very tedious and anxiety inducing at times.
For the nine weeks I was pregnant, I continued to communicate with this spirit baby until I noticed his presence fade away a few days before my prenatal appointment. I felt like he was on another planet, and he likely was.
Womb communication
Since I was 9 weeks along, my OBGYN recommended that I have a dilation and curettage (D&C) performed to minimize my bleeding and complications rather than waiting to miscarry naturally or taking a pill to induce contractions. I’m usually weary of doctor’s advice and interventions, but this time when I tuned into what my womb wanted it became very clear that she wanted the dead fetus out of me as soon as possible. She felt like it was her duty to hold onto the fetus for as long as possible, and if the fetus was dead than it would have to be physically removed from her. Taking the pills to induce contractions and the miscarriage sounded awful to me and I couldn’t emotionally deal with that and all the bleeding that would ensue.
The next day I had the D&C performed at our local hospital (thank God for public health care in Spain!) and for me it was a relatively physically painless process. I was lucky that I had mild bleeding and cramping and could continue with my daily life with no complications. Although I had to wait several hours in the hospital for them to perform my procedure due to other births (oh the irony), the silver lining was that one of the midwives who attended my daughter’s home birth help my hand throughout the procedure and was there to comfort me.
Since my miscarriage I’ve had an even more intimate relationship with my womb. I knew she was grieving too and would need lots of TLC to heal. Physically we were fine. Emotionally- not so much. I received an intuitive message that she wanted me to try acupuncture and traditional Mayan womb massage, so I booked appointments for that in the months that followed and was lucky to find a wonderful acupuncturist in a great center near my town that specializes in providing various energy healing services and workshops.
I’ve also been spending a lot of time in nature to ground and reconnect with Mother Nature which has been very life affirming for me. I have continued to make good nutrition and stress management a priority and my womb is forever grateful. Thanks to my energetic awareness, I know that I did “everything right” when I was pregnant and that it wasn’t my fault. Physically I was fine. In fact, my blood work post miscarriage came back even better than my 1st trimester blood work when I was pregnant with my daughter.
A major part of my healing journey and ability to move forward (not move on, that’s different), and not wallow in my sorrow (although that’s perfectly fine if a woman needs to do that as part of her healing journey- no judgement). has been my ability to communicate with my body and womb and give it what it needs to heal.
Lessons learned
Release the idea that I’m in control, especially in regards to co-creation
Life and death aren’t ever in our control as much as we are disillusioned to believe so. I learned the hard way that no matter how much I tracked my cycle, ate right and lived a clean lifestyle, I was co-creating with another being who also had a say in whether or not he wanted to come into this world. I now know that he never intended on coming into this physical Earth so soon and instead has served as a spirit guide for me. Sometimes our body can will a pregnancy to happen, but if the spirit baby isn’t ready to come he will leave the womb.
Allow myself to feel all the emotions (grief, anger, disappointment)
Grief is an interesting emotion. It’s expressed in many ways and it can come when you least expect it. The best way for me to deal with the grief of a pregnancy loss was to embrace the grief. Have some good ugly cries and grief the loss of the life that I wanted to create and let it move through me. Grief wants to flow. When we resist, it gets energetically stuck in our bodies and chronic illness can arise. You can try to run from grief but it will always find you, so it’s better to face it head on.
The amount of anger I felt surprised me. I can be feisty but I don’t anger easily. I was angry at the spirit baby for leaving me even though I know we had a spiritual contract. I felt like he had dumped me without any explanations. I was also pissed at the fact that everyone around me seemed to be pregnant or with two or more kids except me. I was irate that I wasn’t pregnant anymore and couldn’t experience that magic anymore. I was angry that I had to suffer. And you know what? I’m ok with feeling that anger. It was part of my healing process and allowed me to move grief, disappointment and other heavy emotions out of my space.
Forgive myself
Part of my grieving process was feeling like a failure- like I had failed my family to give my husband another child and my daughter a sibling; like I had failed myself as a creative woman; like I had failed myself as a mystical woman who has lot of psychic tools and the ability to communicate with many types of beings. My womb was also feeling a sense of failure. I had to let go of this feeling of failure that was not serving me and learn that the experience has taught me above all that I’m not in control of everything as much as I would like to be. I did nothing wrong and I truly believe it was all part of my divine plan to learn the lessons I needed to learn in this lifetime as a woman.
The experience has opened up my psychic abilities even more
Another silver lining is after the miscarriage, I noticed my telepathic abilities open up in new ways. I started communicating telepathically more with my dog, cat and daughter. I just knew what they wanted. I also gained a new understanding of how energy works in general and that time and space is all an illusion. Additionally, I started communicating with higher level beings with no effort. For example, the Council of Light came to me in my dreams and they approved of my plans to do more work with medical intuition and spirit baby communication.
I’m already whole as a woman no matter how many kids I have or what my career is (or isn’t).
My heart space has opened up more. While I was trying to grow my family, I feel like I lost part of the bigger picture that I already have a beautiful family. I now feel even more connected to my daughter and husband on a 4th chakra level. I can feel our connection in my heart. I feel more present in my relationships and not so much in my head or thinking about what day of my cycle it is.
Grateful for my womb wisdom and communication.
Through this unpleasant experience (to put it mildly), I’ve learned that if you take care of your womb, she will always have your back. I recently spoke about it on the Spirit Baby Radio podcast. I can confidently say that my womb did everything in her power for me to have a healthy pregnancy.
Gaining a new sense of life and death. In addition to the new womb wisdom I've gained, I also have a new understanding of how wombs are scared portals of life and death. Women are constantly straddling these two worlds and it makes you realize we are all eternal souls. There is no life and death of spirit, only the physical body experiences this. It wasn't until my miscarriage that I understood this concept on a deeply physical level. I knew it on a conceptual level, but now I can feel it this power in my body.
Regaining my personal power and moving forward
In the spirit of trying to stay positive during this experience, I’ve been in communication with another spirit baby girl who’s also been in my energetic space for about a year now. She is a sassy girl who has guided me towards achieving more spiritual growth. One of the ways I believe is how she helped me gain the courage to stand up for myself and regain my personal power from my former psychic school. Please read this post to learn more about that experience.
One day while I was walking my dog in the woods, I felt a warmness around my heart space. I immediately felt like I was moved to tears. I saw the spirit baby girl in front of me hugging me and said, “good job Mom. I’m proud of you for leaving them and for standing up for yourself. You’re on the right path.” It was then that I knew she had guided me through my awakening to their energetic manipulation and control of me accessing my own knowledge and female creativity.
Since leaving my former psychic school and releasing all ties with them, I have the sense that I’ve regained my personal power and creativity. I have more space and permission to create new projects, write, teach and heal.
I won’t say that I’m happy I miscarried, but I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned and the personal power I’ve reclaimed as a result of the experience.
If you’re looking for pregnancy or birth loss support, please check out my spirit baby communication sessions or female wellness healing package.
